Apple iPad Wi-Fi 64GB : As good as they say?

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After a 3 year self-imposed lay-off, I thought I'd come back and give it another try. Six months later, I'm more annoyed than I ever was. This is my 200th review and I really wish it had been about something else. Flowers and butterflies and pretty pearls perhaps? But, it IS my 200th so I can write about what I like, it's the Cafe, I'm not being paid and I'm really really annoyed.
But Papa, you're so handsome and muscular and quite obviously brilliant, why would the nice people of Ciao annoy you?

The thing is, we've stopped writing useful reviews for consumers. We write reviews for our mates and the notion of anything being remotely useful to anyone has gone so far out of the window, the window has been boarded up, bricked up and sealed with a wax stamp. A vast number of reviews are written for other Ciao members as opposed for a needy consumer in search of a meaningful, concise summation of the usefulness of a product. Think about it and imagine a person is looking for a telly to buy. They find a review on Ciao and that review starts off by giving a lengthy description of the sun outside the (barred) window, how the writer is allowed out once a week to look at televisions while shackled to a chaperone and about how their third-cousin twice removed disappeared on a kayaking adventure in Redneck, America.

Don't you realize, it makes Ciao look stupid and not just Ciao but the people who contribute to the site as well? And I mean seriously, embarrassingly stupid. Of course, as mentioned, the rating system here on Ciao is fundamentally flawed. Whenever the inane, insane gurgling's of village simpletons are rated highly by equally simple villagers, the quality goes down. How can it not? The sooner anonymous ratings are implemented, the better. Also, in the light of recent exceptionally-inane, insane gurgling's, a measure of editorial control is needed too. Perhaps some kind of IQ test? If you can spell your own name without including three exclamation marks then you're in, you're allowed to write a review, subject to editorial approval of course. Napkins will also be provided for wiping dribble off keyboards.

I'm no Pulitzer award-winning journo. I've not been to Afghanistan and been under attack from a barrage of rocket-powered grenades. Hell, I've not even been to Bognor Regis. But, I know when something is copied, plagiarized and regurgitated. I know that when a review of a CD runs to more than 2000 words then it's too long. I know when a detailed description of the dimensions of a label on a bottle of detergent is one-step closer to the nutty home. I know that none-attributed quotes from other websites which are passed of as reviews and 'opinion' and THEN praised for how good it is, it's time to shut up shop. Look, I've done it myself. I've written over-long, windy crap just for the sake of it. I hold my hand up. I've also done it with malicious afore-thought just to see what ratings I'd get. I've written stuff that purposely had literally one line of opinion and yet, people thought it was great and incredibly useful. Is that right? No, I don't believe so.

I could look at it another and say the diversity of the writing and reviewing styles on here is what makes it so good. But, because we are paid for what we do, I can't conceivably think that any more. Professionalism is simply not a term that applies to many of the halfwits and reviews thereof on here. The web is awash with review sites spewing forth their opinions and a stack of them employ a blind rating system (DooYoo notwithstanding). Look on Amazon, they have a simple Yes/No mechanism to answer the question of 'Was this review useful to you?'. There is no Helpful, no Very Helpful or even Exceptional. Oh my god, how do the reviewers on there go about their lives without the daily validation from legions of mindless followers? Because they're 'normal' people and don't suffer from varying levels of socio or psychopathic tendencies perhaps? Just saying ...

If you don't accept any of this 'advice', please listen to one more thing: Cash-out now. Request your payment from Ciao and do it regularly. Microsoft is looking to off-load Ciao on some unsuspecting mug because they simply aren't pulling in the punters any more (seriously, look it up). Is it any wonder when all of the above is going on? There is too much *quality* competition in the World Wide Web for Ciao to exist in its current form. Ever heard of Ciao.com? No? That's because it was sunk by clicking cartels, reciprocal rating, churning, over-blown plagiarized rubbish and other countless ways of site abuse that are going on right now on Ciao.co.uk. It's only a matter of time before you and your little band of Ciao groupies will be split up permanently and where else will you go to spread your own special brand of mad maniacal musings amongst your mates? Bah, humbug.
Oh, Happy Monday Everyone! How are you? Feeling alright? Good, now have a nice feckin' day.

PS As a rule of thumb, the more expensive something is, the longer the review is required to cover it. It's a sweeping generalization but tends to work quite well. If you're reviewing a car in 200 words, it's probably not enough. By the same token, 2,000 words on a bottle of 50p detergent from Aldi is probably excessive. It's a fine line, that between sanity and madness, but one which we all tread. Careful now.